This is a reboot of a blog I did back in September of 2009 when I was first launching Soulless into the world. 

I’m an archaeologist & I’m constantly distressed by history.

Back in my days as a practicing archaeologist, I was constantly distressed by history.

This was, as you may well imagine, professionally terribly embarrassing, but the logic of history all-too-often defeated me. (Of course, this is because history isn’t logical.)

One has only to look at the British Empire. I mean really, how did they manage it? One tiny island taking over the world (as Eddy Izzard has it) through the cunning use of flags?

My initial theory was that the British were on the hunt for better cuisine and simply occupied other countries as an afterthought.

This is rather close to my theory on the Vikings. Why all that raping, pillaging, and slicing people open from the back to eat out their hearts? Clearly, the Vikings were suffering from a bad case of nose envy. Ever visited a Scandinavian country? Big tall strapping blonds – teeny-tiny noses. There they were and they just got jealous.

“Look at all those other European countries, Urk! Nicer weather, more sun, AND better noses. Get ’em!”

Plus all they had to drink was mead, terribly girly drink for big strapping blonds with horned helmets.

“Nicer weather, more sun, better noses, AND ale!”

The thing was, that as I poodled about through my daily job, I constantly encountered some new form of oddball historical behavior.

I visited Machu Picchu, an enormous “ritual” center perched atop a mountain no sane person would ever want to climb. (I was excavating a long occupation household side much lower down and further away. That site shows up in Competence.)

I’m holding forth that it’s a Peruvian attempt to compensate for certain deficiencies in the stature arena. And before you slag me off for bias, many of my closest friends are short. And I keep threatening to take them to Peru to go shopping.

(I’m not exactly tall myself, you just think I am because if you met me I was wearing stilettos.)

Now, back to England.

It seems to me that another perfectly valid explanation for the success of the British Empire is that Queen Victoria had vampires (with all their years of knowledge) helping her strategize, and werewolves fighting in her armies, while the other European countries didn’t.

At which point it became patently obvious that any such entirely absurd idea (yet nicely logical) would have to become a book. After all, I couldn’t very well write about the Viking nose issue, now could I?

(Come to think on it, Queen Victoria… also short.)

BOOK DE JOUR!

Competence: Custard Protocol Book 3

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Percy is off to Japan, but will Japan survive Percy?

Bookish and proper Percival Tunstell finds himself out of his depth when floating cities, spirited plumbing, and soggy biscuits collide in this delightful conclusion the Custard Protocol series.

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Tags: COMPETENCE, ETIQUETTE & ESPIONAGE, FAQ, PRUDENCE, SOULLESS