In which Lord Akeldama is given a Scenario by the Troublesome Black Cat, Nicholas Lou . . .

The Woolsey Hive’s latest scientific dastardly plot strikes… as a horde of zombified/mechanical/automation/simulacra [whatever] moths descends upon Lady Maccon, her husband, his Beta, Madame Lefoux, and Mrs. Tunstell [Possibly her husband if you prefer as well] leaving them all devoid of clothing to the merest scrap of fabric, with a upcoming event that they have no choice but to attend. [Assume, of course, that their wardrobes were similarly savaged by such a truly brutal attack, and mercifully, both Conall’s misshapen cravat and Ivy’s supply of hats were victim as well. Your own closet, I would assume, was better defended, as is pertinent below]

Enter the infamous and ever-fashionable potentate to save the day! After, I’m sure, commissioning several of your drones to produce some tasteful artwork and sculpture that no doubt would leave Alexia in stitches and Conall searching for his Tue Tue… [And possibly Lyall looking to obtain one]

You have the majority of the Parasol Protectorate at your mercy, with little choice but to accept your choices for their wardrobe, the whole of your vast closets with ready tailors to adjust for larger frames, and your army of drones to make sure everything goes just so, whether or not the wearer has skill at dressing themselves.

Of course, even Madame Lefoux, despite whatever colorful French phrases she could offer during this process, could be dressed at your whim for whichever gender you decided. Also, assume that whatever ‘offenses’ might occur in this process will be forgiven. [They most likely would, but assume that choices such as daring to force Lefoux into a dress would not result in an eventual octomaton on your doorstep.]

Do paint a proper picture? Or at least an outrageous one?

What would I put them in? Ah indeed, what a question you ask, naughty kitten noir.
Alexia: I’d love to see her in wine velvet and cream embroidered brocades. I’d have Biffy concoct something for her from my own 1700’s collection and the bedroom curtains.
Lord Maccon: Oh, silver, black, and white silks, very fitted, very crisp.

Madame Lefoux: She so often chooses for muted colors, I want to see her in royal blue and black, and defiantly a dress. She has such a lean frame a gown would drape beautifully.
Professor Lyall: He so often goes for somber browns I’d like to try him in something more flashy, perhaps emerald green and gold.
Ivy: Chocolate and cream, I think that would suit her complexion perfectly, and she could use the subtlety.
Tunstell: It matters not so long as he continued to wear such tight trousers.

Ki asks: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery – I do hope to not offend, but I have begun the process of recreating the fantastic orange, yellow, and pink creation from the beginning of Soulless to wear for Seattle Steamcon IV. My only concern regarding this amazing outfit (aside from the sincerest hope that I can do it any sort of justice), is this: when wearing it out of doors, should there not be an accompanying hat? I ask with utmost seriousness, as we all know just how important it is to have just the right hat.

It should indeed have a hat. I should opt for a top hat in a matching shade, my sunset peach, perhaps with a band about it in a contrasting color. Or would that be too much? Oh, dear, what am I saying, it’s NEVER too much!

(And as an aside, if this indeed does not offend, and/or if you would be interested to see it, I am more than willing to promise pictures as soon as the outfit has been completed.)

Of course! I absolutely insist!

tsgeisel asks: I am a firm believer in the theory that some items *transcend* fashion – that they are never in-style, nor are they out of style, that they exist independent of it. That no matter where or when you, these items will be around. I include among these Hawaiian Shirts and Argyle Socks. While I recognize that people have differing opinions as to whether this is a good thing or not, you who have seen so much in the world of fashion, what items would you include on such a list?

Jewelry darling, lots and lots of jewelry, the classic Hermes scarf, oxford style shoes, a beautiful red dress, a stunning grey suit, a sweet smile, and, of course, a glass of bubbly.

Jami asks (/rants): Considering some women are forbidden by their religion from showing any bare arms from the elbows on up, others like myself just should not show their upper arms for the good of humanity, and some, even though they have lovely upper arms, just don’t like showing them – why is it that every single formal gown out there is sleeveless?! And why do the ones that at least come with a jacket or those awful bodello coats that only really work for body types that are not mine look like they were made for some 80 year old dowager?!
Oh ever fashionable and clothing wise Lord A, only you can bring light back into my heavy heart with a pithy answer to my dilemma. Even if I can’t find an elegant yet sexy (without my risking a Janet Jackson moment) formal gown in a deep rich purple and instead have to get my now too large black gown from three years ago taken in – at least I know you can make me smile again!
Seriously, dude, why is it so hard for the designers to make a formal gown with sleeves?!

Dude? Ah hem!

Let me see, my dearest boysenberry. You must strike out on your own in this matter and buy (duh duh duh dum ~ separates!) I suggest one of those terribly fetching embellished little cardigans, you know with all the beading and sparkles. A cream cashmere, or a pale purple to go with your royal purple. Perhaps a fitted blazer might do as well, velvet, because velvet is lovely.

Miss Gail adds that if you shop eShakti they will add sleeves to most of their dresses, plus change hem and neckline, plus make it to your measurements for $10. Plus all their dresses have pockets!

Sassy Gay Octopus asks: What is your opinion on fanfiction? Do you love the idea that very soon there will be dozens, if not hundreds, of erotic stories of you? Do you hate it? Why?

My dearest poppet, what care I so long as I am appropriately dressed? And, of course, so long as it takes an appropriately long time to get me undressed.

Miss Gail

• Want to ask Lord Akeldama a question? You can only do that through Gail’s newsletter, the Chirrup. 

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