Dear Lord Akeldama ~ Light Entertainment

The good vampire is in the house…

Rebecca asks: Opera, play, or symphony?

Play darling beccalite, whenever vampirically possible, but sometimes one must put in an appearance elsewhere. Operas are suited only to those who like opera girls, and in the symphony everyone sits, you can’t observe what they are wearing at all well. So it’s the play for me. I am a particular fan of Shakespeare, I do like men in tights.

Lady Emma of Portsmouth asks: I assume you are acquainted with many noteworthy vampires, but I have to ask, are you acquainted with any werewolves… ..or are there any werewolves you hold in high regard?
My dearest pink peppercorn of Portsmouth, I don’t hold anyone in high regard, that would be vexing for all concerned.

Suzanne asks: Have you ever been at a loss when it comes to your distinctive and flowery terms of endearment [eg. my rose petal] that you use so frequently?

My darling grape-seed of the morning dew, me? Never! My creator, on the other hand, often walks around making tea and muttering endearments to herself and, on occasion, pauses mid conversation to make a note. Sometimes I suspect she created this Dear Lord Akeldama column so she could keep in practice, if you take my meaning. There was also one hilarious conversation with Gail’s editor over whether my little terms of endearments ought to be capitalized, I was, naturally, in favor.

tsgeisel asks: How do you feel about Fezes?

That a once fine chapeau has been subsumed by doctors of the supercilious.

Julia ask: How long does one stay a drone before, Master/Mistress willing, succumb to the transformation? May I be so bold as to also ask how long you stayed a drone?

Ah me, such a serious question. When to metamorphose a drone is like knowing when to remove the tea bag from your cuppa. When the tea is ready, my butterfly upon a lilac branch . . . when the tea is ready, out comes the soul! I suppose one might say, if the drone has seeped properly into vampire culture, if he fits, if he is not . . . too bitter. One must be careful, of a certain, not to leave the drone for too long, he becomes too strong, too attached to humanity, too tannic. His soul not longer has anything left to give to immortality. It is a delicate balance. And the difficulty is, as with tea, every drone is a different blend and must be soaked for a different length of time. Oh look at me! I am soooo poetic!

wolfgang20 asks:

Have you had your portrait painted by any of the great masters? If so which ones? I can imagine you looking even more wonderful than usual in the fashions of the first Charles.

Oh, my dear you flatter me so! I might have sat for the occasional painter in my time, they have a prediction for putting me in as the pageboy or wearing yellow, I am never certain whether to be flattered by this or not.

scullerym8d0182 asks: Lord Akeldama, I am a girl of considerable girth and would like to find a corset to affect the illusion of a waist, but alas sizing seems horribly confusing. Any tips?

My dear sudsy muffin, what would I know of ladies foundation garments? I pass you along to my creator . . .

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Posted by Gail Carriger


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  1. ValerieP said:

    Dearest Lord:

    As one who enjoys immortality in the highest of social stations, I assume you have a wealth of generations of idioms to select from. In reference to your usage of the word, "La," what term would be comparable in the twentieth (or 21st) century?

    Gratefully submitted,

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