alastairs_piano asks: How might a person convince Countess Nadasdy to turn one into a vampire? More particularly, would she be more or less willing to try to turn a woman than a man? Can a woman be a member of another’s hive, or would such a creation inherently imply the creation of a rival?

I understand the countess is very fond of shoes. I might start with shoes. Very persuasive a lovely pair of kid boots, don’t you find my little musical bobbin? I believe somewhat on the matter of female vampires was answered in my autobiographer’s last tall tale, Timeless.

alastairs_piano asks: Do you have an opinion one women wearing ties?

My darling child, the more ties the better! Nothing is more amusing than a mortal with a noose about their neck.

latemarch asks: My Lord Akeldama – what exactly are your thoughts on perfume? I myself prefer slightly less floral scents, but going to a women’s college as I am, I find myself surrounded by overwrought bouquets… It’s rather startling at times, as I’m sure you can guess. Would you have any suggestions that I might pass along?

Oh my dear noosally sensitive puffin, I do sympathize. I cannot abide strong flowery perfumes! There seems little one can do about the proliferation but cough loudly and perhaps sneeze a bit.

FaeWitch asks: I admit to a certain curiosity, you seem to be the kind of gentleman who will have read Ms Austen’s works. Do you have a favorite among her heroines? Indeed, among her novels?

I have, darling bluestocking, read all of her works. I am a particular fan of Emma, she I so delightfully meddling.

Miss Spottyblanket asks: I am a lady who passionately prefers skirts/dresses over trousers…but I also am not balanced enough to totter around in high heels. Do you have any (affordable) shoe suggestions for someone who digs pleats over pantaloons?

I agree with my chronicler in this matter, if you are a lady who enjoys flats in this you might don menswear. The oxford shoe is a delightful alternative to the ubiquitous ballet flat and can be quite nightly, I myself have been known to sport the occasional black and white wingtip. Miss Gail informs me that she often receives compliments on her similar pair.

Jami asks: While you are obviously the king of wit and have a sharp tongue to go with your sharp teeth, have you ever encountered someone who did something that make you so angry you just up and hit them as hard as you can in their jaw?

Never. The very idea.

ashura_oh asks:

Do you ever add literature to your outfit, to complete the perfect look you’re famous for? Which read is fashionable for a young lady to wear this season?

One can never go wrong with a slim volume of Yeats, some Catullus (in the original Latin, of course), or perhaps a drop of Sappho. If one wishes to look romantic, one must read romantically, my dear spectacle.

And that’s all for now,

Miss Gail

• Want to ask Lord Akeldama a question? You can only do that through Gail’s newsletter, the Chirrup. 

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Quote of the Day:

“Ovid, a Latin poet of lively genius: his works are numerous; but his delicacy of sentiment by no means equals the purity of his diction.”

~ Mangnall 1833
(Talk about a back-handed compliment!)