Please welcome the Good Vampire of all our dreams back to the blog today, Gentle Reader.
Take it away, Lord Akeldama…
Dear Lord Akeldama…
Have you ever visited the far east?
East of where? And how far?
What is your favorite assassination technique? What do you find truly exceptional or intriguing about it?
I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
Would you be mad or delighted if if wrote a fanfiction with you in it?
One’s emotional reaction, I suspect, would be entirely based on the quality of any such endeavor. Isn’t it always?
What are the best (elegant) footwear options for young ladies of short stature who eschew heels?
Pointed or almond toed flats (unless you have very big feet), they extend the leg in an appealing manner. Avoid the square toe. Everyone should avoid the square toe, it is one of life’s true abominations, my little muffin.
How should one accessorize with a wheelchair?
Gilt! Lots and lots of gilt, possibly some sparkles. By flashy, that’s what I always say. Don’t I? Well if I don’t I should say it.
How did you manage Prudence in your life before she could understand life in your house and hers?
Children are remarkably adaptable. If you inform them that this is the way life is, then they are most likely to accept it. It’s the adults you have to worry about, full of very strange notions.
What do you think about hipsters?
It entirely depends on the general approach. Far be it for me to object to well tended retro stylings. But anything unkempt, for example a beard or a (shudder) man bun, should be deemed nothing but unsightly in the eyes of any vampire. And, in my case, dismissed forthwith from my presence.
How are you so fabulous?
I’ll have you know that it takes a great deal of very hard work to appear to spend one’s time doing nothing at all, fiberty nibbits.
What next? And when do we get the “Drones” manual?
Are you volunteering to write it? My secretary will be in touch, darling scribbler.
Akeldama is an unusual name. It is Egyptian? But are you originally from Egypt? Am I confused?
You are bemused, my poppet. I was metamorphosed in Egypt and I am very fond of it, but I wasn’t born there. The name is more of a title that I have grown quite quite fond of over the years.
You’ve seen it all, what good things in life keep you going?
The secret is to enjoy the small things one is gifted with each day ~ the prefect beverage, a kind compliment, a delicious snack, and let the large things roll over you.
Have you ever encountered a relationship poly in nature, a polyamorous relationship so to speak? If so would you be so kind as to share your thoughts on such relations?
Considering I myself live with a gaggle of young men, I am obviously in favor. The more the merrier, so long as everyone knows where they stand and chatters amiably and often. And cleans up after themselves.
I can’t abide a mess, in romance or sitting rooms.
How do you maintain your dental care?
With a liquid diet.
And with that we bit the good vampire farewell for the moment.
- Want to ask Lord Akeldama a question? You can only do that through Gail’s newsletter, the Chirrup.
BOOK DE JOUR?
Being a collection of vampire advice columns, silly steampunk philosophical treatises, and deleted scenes from the Parasol Protectorate and more!DEAR LORD AKELDAMA, TIMELESS